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5 Things You Won't Want to Believe I Saw Guarding US Nukes Whether you're a child of the '80s, a fan of the Terminator films, or just really bad at Missile Command, you've probably seen some pretty grisly images of nuclear holocaust. We assume that the people who defend against that looming apocalypse are all grim faced, serious experts with decades of training. We spoke to one such defender a former soldier responsible for guarding a nuclear missile nike equality shirt site in West Germany during one of the Cold War's most uncomfortably warm chunks and here's what he told us about how hilariously wrong all that "grim faced expert" stuff was. I was 18 when I joined the Army to be a Military Police Officer. It seemed like a great deal at the time all the fun of protecting and serving, with none of that pesky war stuff. Little did I know (because my recruiter didn't consider it "relevant") that safeguarding nuclear weapons fell under purview of the MPs. Chris Hondros/Getty Images News/Getty Images But the world shattering urgency of keeping my boots shiny? He was all over that. In December 1985, I awoke in West Germany, detailed out as a custodial agent for a NATO nuclear site. My job was to provide access control and defense to ten nuclear missiles. And not the sexy new nukes of the dazzling 1980s these were Nike Hercules missiles, aka the weapons people in the '60s thought would bring about their gloriously retro apocalypse. United States Army Y'know what modern nightmare weapons lack? Sweet ass fins. I was a little blindsided by my change of fate. If they'd asked my friends or family "Hey, do you think this guy should guard nuclear missiles?" not one of them would've said that was a good idea. Hell, if they'd asked me, I would've told them it was a worse idea than storing beer in the freezer. The Army had faith, though. Sweet, misplaced faith. I guess I somehow proved that I could blow things up better than my peers, so I was appointed the Emergency Destruction NCO. In the event that our site needed to be evacuated, I was responsible for destroying the ten nuclear warheads. My job was to make sure my guys got out all of their shaped charges, strapped them to the missiles, ran detonation cords across everything else useful, and then set nike 4th of july a time fuse. Detonating missiles like that doesn't lead to a nuclear yield the actual mushroom cloud explosion needs to be specially triggered. In the space of six months, I had gone from an anarchist skater punk to an nike 7237 Official Destroyer of Nuclear Missiles on the front lines of the Cold War. One night, our Chief Warrant Officer showed up at the barracks rooms and dropped off three crates of C 4 so we could practice the aforementioned Emergency Destruction at the range. He told me and another guy to roll the C 4 like modeling clay, making snakes approximately one inch in diameter and 18 inches long. So we watched movies and played with C 4 late into the night. We figured no one would know if some of the C 4 didn't make it to the range, so we stashed some to bring back to the States as mementos. Why? We were teenagers who'd been handed a crate of C 4. You don't hand an idiot explosives and expect him to suddenly stop being idiotic."Fourth of July is going to be awesome this year." After practicing at the range, the Sergeant came over and said, "Hey guys, just wanted to make sure you knew that they check your belongings with dogs when they ship your stuff back to the States." "Yeah, to make sure we don't have drugs, right?" "Nope! They look for ammo and explosives, too. And I'm guessing by the pale looks on your faces that you didn't know that."It was better than going pale from extreme blood loss later on. So we brought our secret stash of C 4 down range and burned it. It turns out C 4 burns like Sterno. As that story clearly illustrated, the people in charge of guarding nuclear strongholds are as wildly inept as anybody else (perhaps more so). But hey, it could've been worse. We could've been on drugs, like the guys we were replacing. The MPs were specifically there to take over from a bunch of infantry guys who'd gotten kicked out for doing drugs on duty. Remember that their duty was "guarding the most terrifying destructive devices in human history." That wasn't an isolated incident, either. An Air Force probe implicated multiple missile workers, and even convicted one launch officer, for the use of "synthetic drugs, ecstasy and amphetamines." United States Army "The fins feel soooo good on my skin." Yeah, it's probably about time you bought one of those thick old timey school desks and start seeing how quickly you can hide under it. The first time I saw a nuclear missile was awe inspiring. The first time I saw the equipment and security framework designed to keep it safe was . is "awe despiring" a word?